just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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