if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
