Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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