My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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