I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
