jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize