I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
