my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
