She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You need a sexual gate keeper
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
