Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
