five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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