when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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