I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
