I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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