I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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