got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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