Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Non-Jews are for practice
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
