yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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