Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
