I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we're making bets on your personal life
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
