honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
