I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
