a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize