Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
