If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize