I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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