True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sext me about skeletons
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
