He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why do cheetos always look like penises
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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