Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
