im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
