maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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