is your mom at the bar?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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