Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
