I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
