non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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