Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
