I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
