wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
