Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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