guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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