ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
