In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
