i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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