The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
