update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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