Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
