y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
