A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
