I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
