I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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