I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
