I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
