If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
