I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
