just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think my fart just growled at me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
