I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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